Yes, My Parents Are Nutcases
Written by Cassie ChaseThinking straight was a bit of an issue for me that day. Once again, my parents were being much too overprotective of their only daughter. They wanted my boyfriend to come to the house and meet them before we went out on our first date together. I tried to warn Jimmy that my parents were nutcases, but he wouldn’t believe it.
I rushed to the door when I heard a knock. Jimmy was standing on the front porch. I let him in, gave him a hug, and whispered in his ear, “Good luck with them.”“I don’t know why you’re so worried, Ali. It’ll only be a few minutes. I’ll be fine.” I took his hand and led him into the living room. We sat on the couch together as my parents sat in the cushy chairs opposite us. “Hello, James,” my dad said, emphasizing the fact that he was using Jimmy’s full name. “Hey,” “Ali, why don’t you go get your coat so you are all ready to go,” said her dad.I went to the hall closet, opened the door, and pretended I was searching for a jacket.“James, I have a few rules that I’d appreciate if you followed.”“No problem, sir.”“1. You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, as long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes and hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them myself.2. The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to allow my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka – zipped up to her throat. Movies with strong romantic theme are to be avoided; movies with chain saws are okay. Hockey games are ok. Old folks’ homes are preferred.3. And finally, do not lie to me. I may appear to be a dimwitted, potbellied, balding, middle aged man, but on issues related to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind this house. Do not mess with me.”Jimmy stared at my father in horror. He leapt up from the couch, ran straight past me through the hallway, and bolted outside to his car. He then sped away from the house without me.I woke up from my day dream when the microwave beeped to let me know that my pasta was finished. I grabbed a napkin out of the bin on the counter, silverware from the drawer next to the sink, and poured myself a glass of ice water as another day dream –day-mare is more like it- took me away.
I let Jimmy inside and whispered ‘good luck’. I brought him into the living room where Mom and Dad were waiting.“Hello, Jimmy! It’s so nice to finally meet you!” my mom said.“It’s nice to meet you too, Mrs. Peters,” Jimmy said as he walked over to shake Mom’s hand. She ignored his outstretched arm and pulled him into a rib-crushing hug, as if he was one of her own children. An enormous smile was stretched across her face, when suddenly, she burst out into tears. “Oh Jimmy, you’re Ali’s first date! She’s growing up so much, I’m not sure I can stand it!” she sobbed into his shoulder. Dad rushed over to my mom and detached her from Jimmy. He sat her down in a nearby chair as she continued to sob. “It starts with the first date, then she’ll be leaving me to go to college, and then she’ll get married and have kids of her own! It feels like just days ago that I was changing Ali’s diaper!” Mom jumped up from the chair she was sitting in and darted out of the room. I heard her run upstairs, slam a few doors, and run back down the stairs. She appeared in the living room holding a cardboard box. It was her sacred picture box that held hundreds of Ali’s baby photos. “Mom! No!” I exclaimed.“Oh, I’m sure Jimmy would love to see your baby pictures!” she said, tears still streaming down her face.“Actually,” said Jimmy, “I have a present for Ali! It’s at my house, I’ll be right back!”The look he gave me before walking out the door to his car told me that he had no intention of coming back.“Ali,” my mom said brining me back from the trance I was in, “are you ok? You look sick.”
“I’m fine, Mom.”
It was finally time for Jimmy to come meet my parents, for real this time. I kept trying to convince myself that everything would go fine, and that my daydreams had no chance of actually happening.
There was a knock on the door and I opened it to find Jimmy standing on the front porch. I let him inside and led him into the living room where my parents were waiting.
“Hi, Jimmy,” my mom and dad said in unison.
“Hi,” he replied. “It’s nice to meet you.” Jimmy shook each of their hands and gave them a polite smile.
“ You understand why we had to do this, right? We just had to make sure Ali was going to be safe.”
“Yes, sir. I completely understand.”
“Alright then. You seem like a nice enough boy, you two are all set to go! Have fun!” my mom said.
I hugged them both goodbye and Jimmy and I were on our way.
I looked back on my first date and wish something a bit more exciting happened. The actual parent-boyfriend encounter was, truthfully, a bit of a let down.
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