Yes, My Parents Are Nutcases
Written by Cassie ChaseThinking straight was a bit of an issue for me that day. Once again, my parents were being much too overprotective of their only daughter. They wanted my boyfriend to come to the house and meet them before we went out on our first date together. I tried to warn Jimmy that my parents were nutcases, but he wouldn’t believe it.
I rushed to the door when I heard a knock. Jimmy was standing on the front porch. I let him in, gave him a hug, and whispered in his ear, “Good luck with them.”“I don’t know why you’re so worried, Ali. It’ll only be a few minutes. I’ll be fine.” I took his hand and led him into the living room. We sat on the couch together as my parents sat in the cushy chairs opposite us. “Hello, James,” my dad said, emphasizing the fact that he was using Jimmy’s full name. “Hey,” “Ali, why don’t you go get your coat so you are all ready to go,” said her dad.I went to the hall closet, opened the door, and pretended I was searching for a jacket.“James, I have a few rules that I’d appreciate if you followed.”“No problem, sir.”“1. You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, as long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes and hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them myself.2. The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to allow my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka – zipped up to her throat. Movies with strong romantic theme are to be avoided; movies with chain saws are okay. Hockey games are ok. Old folks’ homes are preferred.3. And finally, do not lie to me. I may appear to be a dimwitted, potbellied, balding, middle aged man, but on issues related to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind this house. Do not mess with me.”Jimmy stared at my father in horror. He leapt up from the couch, ran straight past me through the hallway, and bolted outside to his car. He then sped away from the house without me.I woke up from my day dream when the microwave beeped to let me know that my pasta was finished. I grabbed a napkin out of the bin on the counter, silverware from the drawer next to the sink, and poured myself a glass of ice water as another day dream –day-mare is more like it- took me away.
I let Jimmy inside and whispered ‘good luck’. I brought him into the living room where Mom and Dad were waiting.“Hello, Jimmy! It’s so nice to finally meet you!” my mom said.“It’s nice to meet you too, Mrs. Peters,” Jimmy said as he walked over to shake Mom’s hand. She ignored his outstretched arm and pulled him into a rib-crushing hug, as if he was one of her own children. An enormous smile was stretched across her face, when suddenly, she burst out into tears. “Oh Jimmy, you’re Ali’s first date! She’s growing up so much, I’m not sure I can stand it!” she sobbed into his shoulder. Dad rushed over to my mom and detached her from Jimmy. He sat her down in a nearby chair as she continued to sob. “It starts with the first date, then she’ll be leaving me to go to college, and then she’ll get married and have kids of her own! It feels like just days ago that I was changing Ali’s diaper!” Mom jumped up from the chair she was sitting in and darted out of the room. I heard her run upstairs, slam a few doors, and run back down the stairs. She appeared in the living room holding a cardboard box. It was her sacred picture box that held hundreds of Ali’s baby photos. “Mom! No!” I exclaimed.“Oh, I’m sure Jimmy would love to see your baby pictures!” she said, tears still streaming down her face.“Actually,” said Jimmy, “I have a present for Ali! It’s at my house, I’ll be right back!”The look he gave me before walking out the door to his car told me that he had no intention of coming back.“Ali,” my mom said brining me back from the trance I was in, “are you ok? You look sick.”
“I’m fine, Mom.”
It was finally time for Jimmy to come meet my parents, for real this time. I kept trying to convince myself that everything would go fine, and that my daydreams had no chance of actually happening.
There was a knock on the door and I opened it to find Jimmy standing on the front porch. I let him inside and led him into the living room where my parents were waiting.
“Hi, Jimmy,” my mom and dad said in unison.
“Hi,” he replied. “It’s nice to meet you.” Jimmy shook each of their hands and gave them a polite smile.
“ You understand why we had to do this, right? We just had to make sure Ali was going to be safe.”
“Yes, sir. I completely understand.”
“Alright then. You seem like a nice enough boy, you two are all set to go! Have fun!” my mom said.
I hugged them both goodbye and Jimmy and I were on our way.
I looked back on my first date and wish something a bit more exciting happened. The actual parent-boyfriend encounter was, truthfully, a bit of a let down.
All the Young Punks
Written by Edward KampanowskiThey used to be just punks. Some skated. Some squatted. Most smoked cigarettes. Some were skinheads. Who knows if they were truly hateful. It's hard to say.
They spit all over the side walk. They gave the finger. It's a good day to get the finger. Sunny days are good days. If the sun is hot enough, the spit dries up and you don't have to walk through in your Converse. It's about this time that Converse ships manufacturing overseas, and that bothers some but not others.
Then there is Cody. I want cigarettes so I give Cody ten bucks. I tell him I want Camels but he comes out with Newports. When I ask for them anyway Cody tells me to get lost, that I'm beat and there's nothing I can do about it. If I can just bum a couple, I ask. He gives me a few Newports and I light one. I try to inhale but cough hard. Must be all the fiberglass in the menthol, I explain.
***
A Starbucks was under construction on the corner. It was being built with a big overhanging patio. When it's done the punks mingle with the hippies that came with the place. They talk about all sorts of shit. Everyone gets high. For a summer it is acoustic guitars, free love and whatever that's supposed to mean.
I squat on the patio one day. Then I squat the next day. Then everyday after that. Cody squats. He squats better than anyone, anyone in town, all day long. Our hours are the same. We put in the same shift. I pay for Camels and together we smoke Newports.
Soon customers complain. Capitalists. The same polo-wearing, Lexus-driving, vegetarian, Buddha-guru-pacifists. Pacifists are afraid. Pacifists can't take spit or the finger. All they can do is wet the bed. Bed-wetters. It takes a hard ass to squat. My parents couldn't understand it. You need to work, they say. You need to make money. Money for what, I ask. You gotta be a hardass to do what I do. They should have been proud.
A customer-only policy is enforced and all the vagrants, no one knew what else to call them, take to drinking ice tea. It wasn't good but it was cheap, and Starbucks was selling more of their ice tea than they ever had before.
It tastes like dog piss, Cody says. He asks me for a cigarette and I don't have one. I give him ten dollars and don't see him until later that afternoon when the paramedics escort him out on a stretcher, slapping his face. He bled all over the bathroom. Police took care of the hypodermic and the spoon. The blood and vomit had to be scrubbed out of the carpeting, which was already red so it wasn't too big a deal except that no one was allowed back. It's unfair, it's discriminatory, it's un-American, the squatters said. Our money is just as good as their money, how can they do this, they all asked.
The vagrants moved behind the newsstand next to the Starbucks, a closet hidden from the rest of town. They cram into the closet and occasionally police patrol but rarely. A family unknowingly parks in there. The wife holds the baby while the father unpacks the stroller and locks up the Volvo. The woman looks pretty good in her thirties, pushing the baby in the stroller, ass working in her tights. She's probably a gym rat and bulimic as hell. I hope to god it's a crack baby in that thing.
***
Cody and I get to talking. He says he’s got nothing to live for and no where to live anyway. He's been either sleeping around apartments or slumming it in the gazebos at the golf course.
A sleeping bag sure would be nice, he says.
I tell him I have all sorts of camping equipment at my house. In the attic I find an old two person Coleman tent and give him a sleeping bag and a pack to carry it all on. They all have my tags sewn in but the stuff will carry him through any weather.
Thanks man, he said, you're a life saver. I saved Cody's life.
***
Sometime later in a Play-It-Again Sports, I came across a tent and sleeping back and pack with. They had my tags sewn in. They were being sold very cheap. I figured everyone had won. Cody got some quick money and some family would buy the equipment and go camping in the great outdoors away from all this. It was all very good survival equipment. I would have bought it back myself if I could have afforded it.
I took a job at a greasy fast food chicken restaurant. It's just down the street from the newsstand. Customers walk through and all you have to say is: welcome to Market Feast, sir, tonight we've got the Chicken-For-Four, Ready To Score on special. Thing of it is, the For-Four is actually a great deal and I never felt as if I was ripping anyone off. But the customers are always convinced it's a trick, in some way they are getting ripped off.
The restaurant offers an assortment of sides. Everything from sweet potatoes to fried zucchini. Customers generally stick to the mashed potatoes, corn, and macaroni and cheese. Sometimes you don't even have to listen to the order. You can just tell. Like when some heavy guy in an over-starched shirt and wire-rimmed glasses waddles in at five-thirty, you can just tell. You can tell his job is hell. You can tell he is treated like a dog and all that matters at the end of the day is eating that white meat right off the bone like an aristocrat. The macaroni and cheese is a guilty pleasure. I couldn’t enjoy my job too much either so we all understood.
***
Before work I like to sit on the curb behind the newsstand and Cody sits down next to me. I get a cigarette and I give him a cigarette and he lights them. Supposedly a guy is going be around with a big bag of shrooms and people are gathering. But Cody has no money and can only sit and pretend.
Man I wish I had some money, he says, is that too much to ask for, just a lot of money?
I dunno, I say.
I'll tell you what I would do with a lot of money, he says. I'd buy a fat sack of blue caps. And I'd buy a whole pizza and I'd put ‘em on the pizza and eat it all. And then I would buy myself a car, a Porsche or some shit. I'd pay a thousand dollars more than it cost and I'd throw it on the ground, cash. I'd say keep the change, chump. I’d drive and I’d be gone.
We sit on the curb and try to figure out some ways for Cody to get money. I offer him a job at Market Feast. He says the job is too capitalist, that the business is too savage. Too many chickens slaughtered. He said it was blood money.
The newsstand sells lottery tickets, I tell him.
Man, I'm gonna win that jackpot, man, fucking millions, he says.
I tell him that his chances of winning anything will be better if he plays the scratch-offs. He listens. He only has so many dollars anyway.
Cody comes back outside with a handful of scratch offs. He asks me if I'd eat shrooms with him. I explain that I couldn't, that I have work and that I can't get out of it because if I wasn't there to spit and cook the chicken, dice it all up, pre-heat the shams and prep all the sides, serve all the chicken, and ring it all up on the register, no one will. And if no one does then business would be lost. If business was lost I'd be out of a job. If I was out of a job, I'd be forced to the lottery to survive and it was easier to get treated like a dog than to get by on luck.
Well okay, he says. He scratched off some tickets.
Holy fucking hell! He says.
Cody won forty dollars. That would afford him an eighth of shrooms, the blue caps. And he'd have another five dollars left over for a couple slices of pizza to eat them with. He jumps up in the air and hugs me and says after this he'd be getting a job and turning his life around. He said that this was proof that a god does exist and that he would start going to church or some shit.
Cody cashes his winning ticket and we sit on the pavement and wait for the guy. We each smoke another cigarette and throw some pebbles at the cement wall. We wait and wait until finally I about have to go to work.
Cody, I say getting up from the sidewalk, I don't think the guy is coming.
No, he's coming man. I know he's coming.
***
A week ago I was named the new senior shift supervisor at the restaurant. I was given keys to the store and instead of the blue company polo shirt, I wear a company issue silver oxford shirt. I'm now paid on a salary but for the amount of hours I put in, I might as well be paid wages. Regardless, I make a lot more money.
A few new kids have been hired and my job has been to train them. I don't recognize them and they don't know me. They tell me they've never heard of Cody. I'm not really familiar with their drugs…assorted pills, glamour drugs.
They are undoubtedly the newest punks. They come in high. They talk fast. They move fast. Sometimes they take their cigarette breaks too close to the entrance. Customers complain, but what can you do. And while the work attire includes all black, slip resistant shoes, they insist on wearing their chucks. Against my better judgment, I pretty much let it sly.
I see the new kids ringing up customers and sometimes I have to politely explain to them that when offering drinks or desserts with each meal, it's important to emphasize the drinks and desserts. It truly improves business, predicting the customer subconscious. When the customer accepts, they're supposed to offer the twenty cent beverage upgrade. The thing of it is that the restaurant has a fountain beverage station. This means the customers can get as many re-fills as they want. Paying for the twenty cent upgrade for a cup that's four ounces bigger is senseless when re-fills are unlimited.
But we make the money and we get paid. At the end of the night I like to sit down with my crew and offer them each a cigarette. We light up the cigarettes and blow smoke in the air.
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